2012 seems to be coming to an end. Earlier than I am ready for it to end. 2011 was not a good year. And this year looks like it may not end on a positive note. Which is why I am not ready for it to end. Not yet anyway. I still have two months to go. Two afternoons ago, I went to pray to my father. Not because it was a special occasion. For the first time, I felt the need to talk to him. To ask him for help. To light a way out for me.
I see a pattern I need to break. In all my adult life, if the work front is bad, everything seems to tumble and collapse around me. This mindset is developed from an early age. Very early. When I was a child. When we were growing up. Preoccupied with survival. My childhood was not as bad as we were poor because there were happy times. Yet something was ingrained in me. The need to get out of poverty. And to stay out.
In the last 5 years, work was impossibly difficult. I have come to realise I am not good with the business side of a business. I used to think if I spent more time on it, I would be better. Now I have accepted that I am more of a creative person; my mind is not wired for numbers and my personality not one to focus on money or wealth accumulation. Yet money is important. I am worried I don’t have nearly enough money to survive.
I need to take a step back and review how I should approach a business. How I can add value. How not to repeat mistakes. And how to break out of the pattern that dictates work is everything. Oprah said, “No matter where you are on your journey, that’s exactly where you need to be. The next road is always ahead.” I find comfort in this saying but not enough to fully surrender to the vagaries of fate. Ah Pa, can you hear me? Can you show me a way to finally live my life fully?
In ‘Yentl’, a younger Streisand dressed as a man sang out to her father, in what would become one of her defining songs, ‘Papa Can You Hear Me?’. They say the wise man in a storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear. Fear holds us back from doing what we know, at the back of our minds, to be the right thing to do. I remember a time when I was fearless. My father was still alive. Now I hope he can help me take away the fear that binds me. The fear that disallows a free fall of possibilities.
‘The best way is to simply surrender to existence and allow it to take you wherever it takes you; it has never taken anybody into any wrong space. It always takes you back home.’ – Osho